Tuesday, April 9, 2013

The Disease I Have.....

Well we made it to Tuesday all and thank goodness yesterday was a tough day all around at home, work and everything in between.  We are having a mass exodus at work.  I guess the economy is getting a little better because people seem to be moving on.  So anyways that is not necessarily bad just makes coverage at work tough. I remember thinking man I wish I was confident enough to go out on a limb for a new job without any worries.
So anyways I got thru the day and got home and it is choas my youngest Zoe (she is two) she busted her lip at daycare so drama there and my middle one Melayna (she is nine)  she got her report card (all A's by the way) but she was upset because one went down from an A+ to an A and my oldest Erica (she is fifteen) she is just being kind mopey and quiet not really saying anything.  So once I deal with the immediate drama AKA Mom's ER & Condolences on the A (not A+) I decide ok I need to work out release some tension. Which by the way I was doing day #7 of the 30 day shred and I will say it seems to be getting easier.  Woohoo yay me!!
So anyways I am getting ready to go get my sweat on and I notice my oldest is just kinda blah and sad so I say to her why don't you come work out with me?  Now as I am saying this I am thinking yeah right she is 15 and lazy and only cares about hanging out with her friends and twitter and she looks at me as says OK!!! WHAT....needless to say I am shocked but elated.  So we go exercise and believe it or not she keeps up and we are having a pretty good time sweating it out together. I am just enjoying spending quality time with my daughter (which by the way lately seems few and far between).  So anyways we are sitting there stretching and she says to me I will never be as perfect as those girls on that video mom now this broke my heart.  Now this is not a child who usually has a self esteem issue or so I thought. We talked a little bit about it and I told her that she was her own person and not those girls and that she just needed to be the best she could be and be happy with herself. She seemed satisfied and went on with the night. 
As I was laying in bed later and got to thinking about my daughter's comment which was weighing heavy on my mind and I realized that we all have that disease called PERFECTION!  I know my strive for perfection flairs up on a daily basis.  I think sometimes it is mistaken for jealousy.  I know daily I feel tons of pressure to feel perfectly happy, perfectly functional and perfectly figured.  I want my marriage to be awesome and perfect.  I want my kids to be perfect and make the grade.  I see others in my life and I think if I could have what they have or if my husband could be a little more like that person then my life would be perfect.  I could go on this is just a small piece of the disease I have called perfection. The good news is I believe there is a cure.  I think the cure is just to be real and give ourselves a big huge reality check.
Here are some things that I said to myself to give myself a wake up call.....
Heather, you aren't the only one that feels worthless sometimes.
Heather, you aren't the only one that took your frustrations out on your children today.
Heather, you aren't the only one in this world that isn't making enough to support the lifestyle we want.
Heather, you aren't the only one that sometimes says things that hurt people.
Heather, you aren't the only one that hates your body sometimes.
Heather, you aren't the only one that can't control herself around food.
Ok you get the picture.  I just realized in that instant that I just need to be honest with who I am and all thing will fall into place.  I want my children to have the confidence to be REAL and HONEST see that no one is PERFECT.  In retrospect my child taught me something today.  I wonder what else I will learn when I slow down and listen and be ME.  So starting today I am going to live my life instead of trying to PERFECT my life.

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